Wednesday, March 22, 2017


Why why why attempt to barge into a public toilet cubicle without checking to see if it’s occupied?

It's probably a sign of superficial character but I found myself aligning with George Costanza when he said, "You know, we're living in a society!"

Even when the “engaged” is purposefully displayed, there’s so often a complete inability to imagine/recall what it is like as the occupant...

Members of a ‘civilisation’ would surely knock.

Passive aggression

Why, why, why is “Passive Aggressive” so demonised? Whoever dreamed that expression up gave the lazy, incompetent and inconsiderate a wall to hide behind from where they can point and laugh at people who actually care about the conditions of a shared environment.
A note is left in a kitchen; “Can people please clean up after themselves?” – oh… oh… sounds to me like a cue for gales of mockery and derision.

WHO could so risibly make such a public declaration of their nothingness? These people, with their civil requests for basic, yea, fundamental levels of order are an embarrassment to themselves and everyone.

Oh to be so guilt free. Seriously, if I ever encountered a note like this, I’d take a look at myself and wonder how I might have contributed to letting communal standards slip. And what I could be doing to bring them back up to scratch.

Others must, I guess, must read them and have one of a range of alternative reactions which could include:

  • Huh?
  • Wha?
  • Oh look, how precious – a ‘passive aggressive’ note – what a sap, what a dweeb – fancy asking the rest of us non-caring slobs to actually DO something about our own mess – Ha – HA! – whoever did that is such a small-minded little nobody nothing I can’t believe it – like I’m ever going to lift my slovenly standards just because some desperate little milksop tries to ‘politely’ ask – how positively, terminally ridiculous
  • Grunt
  • Ooga booga

This, of course, doesn’t represent the full range of responses – there could also be: “I’ll just bet that’s writing, wonder what it says” or smearing their own faeces on the wall [surprisingly common].

It’s obvious those who care and have standards can’t change the actions of those who don’t. But we can at least fight them on their own terms.

So, what I think is called for is a comparable expression for the lazy, incompetent and inconsiderate cunts who can’t be arsed to fulfil their role in a community.

I’m thinking of something along the lines of “lazy, incompetent, inconsiderate cunts”. Is that too harsh? Let’s face it – the rest of us have only had to deal with “passive aggressive” for the past countless years and the lazy, incompetent, inconsiderate cunts might get a bit offended.

Fuck ‘em.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Mole Hairs

Why why why leave moles with hairs growing out of them?

There’s a whole bunch of dimly remembered ‘wisdom’ – possibly passed on from parents – (grandparents?) – that just doesn’t stand up to close examination.

Judging by the considerable number of moles proudly sprouting jungles of untamed hair on the faces of some of our more senior members of society, I’m guessing they all learned that you shouldn’t oughta pluck mole hairs. Maybe it’ll go malignant or something - so they get left.

Ew, right?

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I got told that, too – but I’ve always ignored it. I have moles. They grow the occasional hair. I pluck ‘em. Hang the consequences.

Ah, but that little niggling question remained… was there something in it?

So. I ask my dermatologist. Yeah? Right!

Not Gazza down the pub – a qualified, certificates on the wall, DERMATOLOGIST.

I asked him outright – is there any problem with plucking hairs from moles?

He chortled as he answered (you know, that thing between a snort and a chuckle) – no, not at all.

There you have it. You can pluck with carefree abandon.

And if you’re still worried about the consequences – nobody said you couldn’t CUT them.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Why why why do so many dye-jobs fall short of eyebrows?

Actually – this time, I’m straight-up curious.

OK – when I DO see a – you know – ‘obvious’ ‘job’… my little society critic is going ‘ho HO – there’s a perceived transgression of logic’… he’s hard to restrain.

But. I actually don’t have strong – any, really – logical convictions on the issue. It ‘feels’ wrong but I can’t argue empirically against it, that’s all.

To me, though, the question remains; if the intention is to appear, say, naturally blonde (PMS: ‘Naturally’), then why tarnish the lead character’s performance with a couple of poorly briefed extras?

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Busting a move at the movies

Why why why show people your butt at the theatre?

By that I mean - while inside the theatre, as you make your way to the middle seat in the row.

Most people - OK, everybody but me - shuffles past other patrons facing the screen/stage. 

This is less than ideal for two reasons. 

First, the tilt of the seats in front makes it more difficult for you. You must have noticed that ungainly feeling like you could topple down into the front seats at any moment while your knees are barked on the seat numbers.

Meanwhile, because your body can only bend at the waist, any effort to regain balance thrusts your cheeks right into the noses of those you're passing.

Even Eva's tush, while celebrated on the red carpet, would be unwelcome. 

Solution? Try facing the people you’re passing and you’ll move by with far greater ease (and dignity).  

Forget that you don't see anybody else doing it - have a go and you'll soon see the old way was nothing more than ovine mimicry.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Great Toilet Seat Debate and My Mate Maths

Why why why is the argument over toilet seats so one sided?

This is one of the most enduring of societal rifts – and one I’ve been looking to get off my chest for years.

Even though I’m about to quash it beyond any shred of reasoned argument I don’t think for a moment that any of my loyal readers (either of them) are likely to go forth preaching a transformed view. Never-the-less…

So, to nutshell this divided view:

Who is more likely (no, I’ll go so far as to say ONLY likely) to make a comment about whether a toilet seat is left up or down?

EVER hear a man make one? You haven’t have you?

And yet, and YET - read on…

Let’s make a cool, UNempassioned analysis.

We’ll compare a typical scenario – 50:50, male:female household environment. Say… 2 of each.

In an average day, each member uses the loo - say – twice for #1 and once for #2 – it really doesn’t matter – the point is equal usage.

We’re going to assume that every user leaves the seat the way they were finished with it (this, after all, forms the crux of the gripe)

OK – in this example there are 6 uses a day by female members – all of which leave the seat down.

And, of course, 6 uses by males – 4 left up + 2 left down.

Out of a dozen uses per day, 8 leave it with the seat down. With me so far?

Of course, the gripe comes from how it was left by whoever you follow.

(Can we agree it is unlikely that any member would follow themselves? It’s not critical – just tidier)

So – in any typical day a female is ideally finding the seat down 100% of the time.

12 uses minus their own 3 leaves 9 possibilities, yeah?

Of those 9, there’s 3 ‘downs’ from the other female and 2 from the males – 5 ‘downs’ altogether.

So they have a 4 out of 9 possibility of NOT having the seat left the way they want if left untouched.

For any man, the whole house’s 4 ‘up’ and 8 ‘down’ less their own use yields 2 ‘up’ and 7 ‘down’.

They have a 7 out of 9 possibility of NOT having it left the way they want.

So – did we all follow that?

Women – vocally hard done by 44% of the time

Men – put out 77% of the time – and not a peep

But, you know what? Personally, and I think I’m not alone here) up OR down still means A) the bowls contents get vaporised and distributed ‘round the room as you flush and B) a not-especially charming feature is on display every time you walk into the bathroom – even if you’re just brushing your teeth.

Me – I put the LID down each and every time.

(& no, I haven’t overlooked if men go in hoping for ‘down’, they have an additional 2 out of 9 possibility of NOT having it left the way they want.)

Monday, January 10, 2011

Finger on the button

Why why why did the belief develop that repeated pressing of the button on a elevator/photocopier/pedestrian crossing would somehow speed its operation?

It doesn’t.

(OK, I know it’s done as a vent for frustration, I’m really gloating about my own patience.)
(And, I guess, a certain stubbornness to NOT to what is clearly so instinctive)
(Besides which, is there any more insidious way to spread contagion than these very focussed hotspots of public contact? How many times do you really want to press your fingertips against them?)