Busting a move at the movies

Why why why show people your butt at the theatre?

By that I mean - while inside the theatre, as you make your way to the middle seat in the row.

Most people - OK, everybody but me - shuffles past other patrons facing the screen/stage. 

This is less than ideal for two reasons. 

First, the tilt of the seats in front makes it more difficult for you. You must have noticed that ungainly feeling like you could topple down into the front seats at any moment while your knees are barked on the seat numbers.

Meanwhile, because your body can only bend at the waist, any effort to regain balance thrusts your cheeks right into the noses of those you're passing.

Even Eva's tush, while celebrated on the red carpet, would be unwelcome. 

Solution? Try facing the people you’re passing and you’ll move by with far greater ease (and dignity).  

Forget that you don't see anybody else doing it - have a go and you'll soon see the old way was nothing more than ovine mimicry.

The Great Toilet Seat Debate and My Mate Maths

Why why why is the argument over toilet seats so one sided?

This is one of the most enduring of societal rifts – and one I’ve been looking to get off my chest for years.

Even though I’m about to quash it beyond any shred of reasoned argument I don’t think for a moment that any of my loyal readers (either of them) are likely to go forth preaching a transformed view. Never-the-less…

So, to nutshell this divided view:

Who is more likely (no, I’ll go so far as to say ONLY likely) to make a comment about whether a toilet seat is left up or down?

EVER hear a man make one? You haven’t have you?

And yet, and YET - read on…

Let’s make a cool, UNempassioned analysis.

We’ll compare a typical scenario – 50:50, male:female household environment. Say… 2 of each.

In an average day, each member uses the loo - say – twice for #1 and once for #2 – it really doesn’t matter – the point is equal usage.

We’re going to assume that every user leaves the seat the way they were finished with it (this, after all, forms the crux of the gripe)

OK – in this example there are 6 uses a day by female members – all of which leave the seat down.

And, of course, 6 uses by males – 4 left up + 2 left down.

Out of a dozen uses per day, 8 leave it with the seat down. With me so far?

Of course, the gripe comes from how it was left by whoever you follow.

(Can we agree it is unlikely that any member would follow themselves? It’s not critical – just tidier)

So – in any typical day a female is ideally finding the seat down 100% of the time.

12 uses minus their own 3 leaves 9 possibilities, yeah?

Of those 9, there’s 3 ‘downs’ from the other female and 2 from the males – 5 ‘downs’ altogether.

So they have a 4 out of 9 possibility of NOT having the seat left the way they want if left untouched.

For any man, the whole house’s 4 ‘up’ and 8 ‘down’ less their own use yields 2 ‘up’ and 7 ‘down’.

They have a 7 out of 9 possibility of NOT having it left the way they want.

So – did we all follow that?

Women – vocally hard done by 44% of the time

Men – put out 77% of the time – and not a peep

But, you know what? Personally, and I think I’m not alone here) up OR down still means A) the bowls contents get vaporised and distributed ‘round the room as you flush and B) a not-especially charming feature is on display every time you walk into the bathroom – even if you’re just brushing your teeth.

Me – I put the LID down each and every time.

(& no, I haven’t overlooked if men go in hoping for ‘down’, they have an additional 2 out of 9 possibility of NOT having it left the way they want.)

Finger on the button

Why why why did the belief develop that repeated pressing of the button on a elevator/photocopier/pedestrian crossing would somehow speed its operation?

It doesn’t.

(OK, I know it’s done as a vent for frustration, I’m really gloating about my own patience.)

(And, I guess, a certain stubbornness to NOT do what is clearly so instinctive)

(Besides which, is there any more insidious way to spread contagion than these very focussed hotspots of public contact? How many times do you really want to press your fingertips against them?)

Teabags in the sink

Why why why toss used teabags in the sink?

I don't 'get' tea anyway, I'm all about coffee... but I've seen tea drinkers the world over share this unfathomable - what is it? - "habit"? ...Plonking their gross little afterbirths on the stainless steel - to maybe, eventually, discard some time, who knows when? After it 'drains'? I'll tell you - bugger all more drains past that first squeeze and surely - surely - it’s just as easy to hit the bin - it is, after all, where they’re going to end up anyway...

Public Transport

Why why why is public transport so antisocial?

Twice a day so many of us are emphatically reminded that we have become mindless drones. How did we let it happen? How did we accept that joining the daily livestock transport to our daily drudge was a normal existence? 

Public transport. There’s clearly an innate, if not consciously acknowledged, loathing of it as we engineer our morning preparations so that arrival at stops and stations will be at the last possible minute. And maybe it’s that established inner despising of this inescapable, robotic indignity that causes us to treat everyone else subjected to it with such lack of care.

Spontaneous interaction at a bus stop is rare – there’s never a “Nice day”, at best you’ll get a grumbled agreement on scheduling deficiencies. From the moment a bus arrives you can sense every commuter’s judgement of every other as inferior. Queuing? Ha! It’s everyone for themselves. “You’re buying a ticket?”, anyone caught behind is thinking, “Why weren’t you organised enough to buy a pass? Cretin.” And the driver is perpetually bemused that no-one uses the machine next to him/her.

Even though we know the bus will be full in two stops we’d sooner die than sit next to a stranger as long as there’s an empty seat. (It can’t be for the window – it’s the same dreary view as yesterday.) Try plonking yourself next to someone “prematurely” and you’ll receive a look usually reserved for lepers. And when seating capacity is reached and it’s standing room only we expose our inability to learn what must be life’s most difficult lesson. Despite being coached day after interminable day the modern bus traveller is incapable, incapable, of moving to the back without being told.

Yet there is glimmer of unity as the bus pulls up to a stop – for some reason a fellow passenger’s needs will be considered if only to join in a chorus of “Back door, driver!”.

If you take a bus and a train your fun is doubled. Train travel has brought about its own subtly unique conditionings. Here, for instance, we see a juvenile mindset that survives heartily into adulthood, ie: once an immediate need is met no broader consequences can be considered. Notably, entry into a train. (Again, every man for themselves.) But the instant footfall onto the carriage is achieved, the momentum of each commuter ceases. Never mind that there is a yawning void within that would easily accommodate the twenty clamouring behind. And despite this identical situation occurring the last 750 trips, inertia. A lab rat could grasp this in a single day! For humanity’s sake, keep moving in!

So. Anyway. Time for egress. Once more a curious hint of recognised mutual suffering is displayed. Those on the platform being pulled into will often actually stand either side of the opening doors to allow smoothish passage from within. Wow. (A routine exception to this phenomenon is witnessed at Martin Place. Telling?)

Finally, the station exposes us to one more opportunity to show our minimum regard. The escalators. This is a pet topic all on its own so I'll simply reiterate that the inability of the adult mind, after years of repeated drilling, to equate left with “stand” and right with “walk” never fails to leave me perplexed.

Anyway - this just lands on the beach of this whole sub-continent in the world of "why why why" - there are dark jungles beyond few would wish to explore. As individuals we probably can’t do much to change the greater machinations of public transport. But we can change the way we treat each other. I don’t care if I sound like George Kostanza when he exasperated: “You know, we’re living in a society!”. Ultimately, we’re all only in this for one ride together – why not get along? I don’t believe in Karma in a mystical sense but I do believe that consideration shown to others will yield positive return. Join me. It won’t hurt a bit.

Ear hair

Ear hair. Why why why?

Now, you thirty-something (and beyond) guys, when you consider how much plucking, waxing, electrolysis, dyeing, cold-creaming etc that girls have done to be attractive to you - the least you could do is attend to that little outcrop in your ears.

They may never enter your head but they will shoot out of it, they will be noticed and they will not score you any points. (A little nostril alertness wouldn’t go amiss either...)

Toothpaste

Why why why squeeze toothpaste from the top?

This is more than observing simple quirks of practice – it is one of the classic societal rifts – separating the top squeezers, bottom squeezers (and the less often sighted, middle squeezer) brings to light indications of each group’s overall character and tendency.

The curious thing is that all members of all groups understand the physics involved at an intrinsic level, yet choose to respond in their own particular, revealing way.

No one can dispute that the tube’s contents must travel from the sealed end to the open end. And yet…

Something in the top squeezer’s mind says to perform the action near to the point the paste is dispensed and completely overlook the (undisputed) fact that that same action also pushes the majority of the contents in the wrong direction.

The bottom squeezer can only see the rational – the contents must move from the bottom to the top, he knows that the desired end product of his actions will appear (and continue to appear) therefore this is the only place to apply pressure - for him there is no other option.

The middle squeezer? Something more primal is going on here that I can’t fully comprehend – but not giving a damn is probably wrapped up in it.

A degree of not giving a damn is likely on the top squeezer’s mind as well, especially if they co-habit with a bottom squeezer. They know that the BS compulsion will restock their top-of-tube needs and their instant-gratification-with-no-thought-to-later-consequences needs are met.

What I find most telling (as a BS) is that when presenting the logical case to a TS there is no hint of desire to change their practice.

As a rational, if I am presented with a modification in behaviour that demonstrates clear advantage, I need no persuasion – the improved method is actively adopted until something better comes along.

The TS mentality betrays a broader tendency to contrarily not take on a clearly more rational behaviour for the very reason that someone has pointed it out to them. (And I’m looking at you, every single woman in the world, ever)